My Tool Box

Here is the inventory from my meager workshop.  Does anyone have similar tools?   Andrew?images

SKILLSAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ‘Oh shit’. Will easily wind a tee shirt off your back.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

CHANNEL LOCKS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

HACK SAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop and creating a fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. Very effective for digit removal!!

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. Also excels at amputations.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

PVC PIPE CUTTER: A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Also very effective at fingernail removal.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. These can also be used to initiate a trip to the emergency room so a doctor can sew up the damage.

SON OF A BITCH TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ‘Son of a bitch’ at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Thanks, Carla

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Zero Chance

My mind is fried tonight. images

However, this made me smile and then smile some more.

DK promised that I would and I promise that you will also.  There is a zero chance that you won’t.

Use Me Up.

Go for it.

 

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Character

Character is what emerges from all the little things you were too busy to do yesterday, but did anyway.   unknown

. . . Mignon McLaughlin

 

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This Morning At The Horseshoe

img_4573While not an unexpected  surprise, Cole finally closed the deal this morning and proposed to our daughter, Elissa (aka Jelly) at the Horseshoe located at the University of South Carolina   This was a thought out and well-planned event.

I predicted this just over a year ago.  Click here. to see caption under the photo.

No concerns from mom or dad and we both doubt (rarely will I speak for Alicia)  she could have found a better man to spend her life with. I wish I was as responsible at his age as Cole is.  Hell, I wish I was that responsible now.

My wife has been on the phone and crying happy tears most of the day.   I don’t blame her and we will break open a bottle of champagne tonight.

The only thing to make this day better would be to be able to be with them today.

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Congratulations to Elissa and Cole!

Photographs taken by Elissa’s friend and former co-worker, Jacqueline Faassen.

 

 

 

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Sunday Morning Music

dean2It has been well over a year since I had a “Sunday Morning Music” post.

The back story from 2011 can be found here: Music For A Sunday

I learned this week that Dean Friedman will be touring in the UK this Spring at the same time that our family  will be there on “holiday.”

Now I begin  to connect some dots and try to convince our tour director (my wife)  to add a show to our itinerary.

Wouldn’t that be fun?   unknown

And if we can’t catch a Dean show, Willy Porter will be touring in the UK at the same time.

Who want’s to see an old castle with all that great music being available?

My favorite Dean song, from “The First Album,” released in 1977.  40 years ago is very difficult for me to get my arms around.

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The Boss

Carry a big stick and lead the way.

10-branch-manager

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Common Sense

I never heard this one before. . .

“Common sense is a flower that doesn’t grow in everyone’s garden”.  . . . Anonymous.

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