My Tool Box

Here is the inventory from my meager workshop.  Does anyone have similar tools?   Andrew?images

SKILLSAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ‘Oh shit’. Will easily wind a tee shirt off your back.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

CHANNEL LOCKS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

HACK SAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop and creating a fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. Very effective for digit removal!!

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. Also excels at amputations.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

PVC PIPE CUTTER: A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Also very effective at fingernail removal.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. These can also be used to initiate a trip to the emergency room so a doctor can sew up the damage.

SON OF A BITCH TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ‘Son of a bitch’ at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Thanks, Carla

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About Ray V.

Living in Aiken, South Carolina, USA, I like to share what I am looking at, thinking about or listening to. I refer to this as the view out my window. Thanks for stopping by.
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4 Responses to My Tool Box

  1. Yup, I’ve got most of those. I use the son of a bitch tool a lot, but find it best to use in an area without windows or other breakable objects.

    Belt sands are also very good at removing finger prints, fingers, knuckles, and many skin blemishes.

    As I get older, I’ve decided on smaller projects that are easier to lift, so the two ton lift left some time ago. These days I try to keep projects under 5 pounds. Anything heavier and I call for some younger, fitter, never had a hernia kind of person to work on it.

    I also avoid torches, flammable liquids and gases of all kinds. I know the fire station is only a block away, but I don’t want to have to explain to my wife, again, why the fire engine is parked out front and four guys are tracking mud through the house. Please, it was a small fire that I put out with a fire extinguisher, I merely called the engine company to verify that I’d put the fire out completely and to check that I had used the extinguisher correctly – sometimes best to have a pro check over your work. Right? and six isn’t an excessive number of fire extinguishers for one 10 X 12 shop, is it? I mean I compromise and reduced the number extinguishers in the kitchen to three and gave up cooking alone…

    no, I don’t want to talk about it any more. Start one small fire and you’re marked for life, come on give a guy a break.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh love it. I once shared an Emergency Ward with a guy who’d lost part of his finger to a band saw. Quick as a flash his dog caught the finger…and ate it.

    Like

  3. I have got to have my son, the finish/trim carpenter read this one!

    Liked by 1 person

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