The Rules For Dating My Daughters...Thanks to Carla.
If you have a short attention span, simply read the last six words of rule six, which sums up all the rules very nicely.
On more than one occasion, I have used those six words shortly after being introduced to a young man, prowling around my home. Simple, yet especially effective when combined with the amendment to rule nine.
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk, you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure as hell not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their pants so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: you may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four: I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “Barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: “Early.”
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If she cries, you will cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like the dishes, or changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goosedown parka – zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks’ homes are better.
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughters, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your going out and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not mess with me.
Amendment to Rule Nine: Five acres behind the house is fine….but not perfect. I have my own crematory….no traces…no DNA…as ServePro states….”Just like it never happened”. (It worked for Jimmy Hoffa).
Capisce?
Best blog post ever. Hands down.
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Thank you, Megan.
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Ray…I always felt that keeping simple was dropping the. “I don’t mind going back to prison ” line. No matter how much your daughter denies it…the boy(s) always wonder whether it is true.
Good luck!
Jim
James D. Price Executive Vice President Foundation Partners Group 400 N Ashley Drive, Suite 1900 Tampa FL 33602 O. 813.225.4657 F. 813.594.4657
Foundationpartners.com Specialmemoriesoflife.com
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That is a good one too….thanks.
PS…New sign goes up today…pictures to follow.
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This is a typical “Ray” (Dad) thing to do: http://www.hightechdad.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/application_for_permission_to_date_my_daughter.pdf
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I.LOVED.THIS. We have to been genetically connected somehow. I’m with Megan above. Your best post of the year Ray.
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David…somehow, your comment ended up in my spam folder. Luckily I caught it this morning as I was purging that folder….Thank you for the comment…most read post since I started almost three years ago.
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Love it! I have 2 teenage daughters. Must post this on the refrigerator. Maybe my dishes will even get done during the Great Make-up Wait.
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Absolutely hysterical. It’s got me wondering if this is the sort of information my father was imparting to *my* dates “back in the day.”. ;-). Thx for the belly laugh!
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I can honestly say I think “scary dads” are great (all girls should have a “scary dad” … I know I did). And “scary dads” who have a sense of humor are even better.
As the mother of “the boy”, I enjoyed meeting “the girl”; she was polite, sweet, and funny. I didn’t give her a quiz about the rules of dating, but if I had I’m sure she would have passed with flying colors.
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JUST GOOD STUFF RAY YOU MAY HAVE MISSED YOUR TRUE VOCATION TO THGAT OF
A COMEDY WRITER. STAY WELL MY FRIEND.
DAVE BUCKLEY
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Reblogged this on Humans Being. and commented:
In honor of Valentine’s Day and dad’s of daughters, please enjoy!
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Reblogged this on Nest Nearly Empty and commented:
Oh how I laughed out loud! Wonderful, off to buy a nail gun! Lol
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Fantastic! The heart of a true father. I’m happy for your daughters 🙂
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Best. Rules. Ever. Thanks for the laugh (which of course is not really a laugh, but a very serious nodding). As a mom of 6 girls, I appreciate your rules enough that I may have a plaque made and installed in our entryway.
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Thank you. You won’t be the first one to do so😊
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Reblogged this on K.J.Ottinger and commented:
Ah, the joys of having daughters…
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I didn’t realize you had three daughters. Their pretty girls. Great rules. I love 1 and 4!
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Thank you. The Rules are hung on refrigerators, all around the world.
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This is so funny! What a great Dad you are! I had to immediately go to number 6 before I read the rest of the rules. Great post!
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Thanks. That was years ago, how did you find that?
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I don’t know! It was below your blog and because the title caught my eye, I clicked on it. Was it an oldie but a goodie? I guess it was meant that I read it. I have sons who are dating and I’m on the other side – Mom of sons who have a complete different list – but similar as well!
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Ok. I think WP randomly pulls posts in groups of three. I’ve noticed that on other sites. Yup, that was quite popular and was printed off and hung on refrigerators around the world.
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2012! Wow – blast from the past!
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In the Philippines, there’s an ancient custom that the prospective suitor has to do 1 month of house chores for the girl’s family to prove his sincere intentions towards her. Allowable contact for the girl to the guy is serving him refreshments while he’s working out the chores. After the month is over, he is now allowed by the girls parents to date her. Reason for such a custom(which no longer exists) is that a man will treat a woman much better ,knowing that he had worked so hard to get her. Also, if he can last through that whole month, it meant that hes really serious in courting the girl.
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That is a good test. I think we should try it here in the US. 🤔
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Good luck on that—lol. If the guy backs off from even taking the first step, then you know that either he’s not serious or just lazy to even prove himself.
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