The Rules

The Rules For Dating My Daughters...Thanks to Carla.

If you have a short attention span, simply read the last six words of rule six, which sums up all the rules very nicely.

On more than one occasion, I have used those six words shortly after being introduced to a young man, prowling around my home. Simple, yet especially effective when combined with the amendment to rule nine.

You mess with them...you have to deal with me.  You do not want to exercise that option.

You mess with them…you have to deal with me. You do not want to exercise that option.


Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk, you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure as hell not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their pants so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: you may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “Barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: “Early.”

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If she cries, you will cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like the dishes, or changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goosedown parka – zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks’ homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughters, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your going out and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not mess with me.

Amendment to Rule Nine: Five acres behind the house is fine….but not perfect. I have my own crematory….no traces…no DNA…as ServePro states….”Just like it never happened”. (It worked for Jimmy Hoffa).

Capisce?

About Ray V.

Living between Aiken & Charleston,, South Carolina, USA, I like to share what I am looking at, thinking about or listening to. I refer to this as the view out my window. Thanks for stopping by.
This entry was posted in The Rules and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

39 Responses to The Rules

  1. Megan says:

    Best blog post ever. Hands down.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Jim Price says:

    Ray…I always felt that keeping simple was dropping the. “I don’t mind going back to prison ” line. No matter how much your daughter denies it…the boy(s) always wonder whether it is true.

    Good luck!

    Jim

    James D. Price Executive Vice President Foundation Partners Group 400 N Ashley Drive, Suite 1900 Tampa FL 33602 O. 813.225.4657 F. 813.594.4657

    Foundationpartners.com Specialmemoriesoflife.com

    Like

  3. Pingback: The Perfect Murder | A Simple, Village Undertaker

  4. I.LOVED.THIS. We have to been genetically connected somehow. I’m with Megan above. Your best post of the year Ray.

    Like

  5. Pingback: 5:20 am. And, Inspired… – Lead.Learn.Live.

  6. LaDona's Music Studio says:

    Love it! I have 2 teenage daughters. Must post this on the refrigerator. Maybe my dishes will even get done during the Great Make-up Wait.

    Like

  7. Absolutely hysterical. It’s got me wondering if this is the sort of information my father was imparting to *my* dates “back in the day.”. ;-). Thx for the belly laugh!

    Like

  8. Pingback: 2012 in review | A Simple, Village Undertaker

  9. Pingback: Father Of The Bride | A Simple, Village Undertaker

  10. I can honestly say I think “scary dads” are great (all girls should have a “scary dad” … I know I did). And “scary dads” who have a sense of humor are even better.

    As the mother of “the boy”, I enjoyed meeting “the girl”; she was polite, sweet, and funny. I didn’t give her a quiz about the rules of dating, but if I had I’m sure she would have passed with flying colors.

    Like

  11. Pingback: Psalm 23, Revised | A Simple, Village Undertaker

  12. Pingback: On Being A Dad | A Simple, Village Undertaker

  13. Pingback: Ah, Spring. You Know What That Means. | A Simple, Village Undertaker

  14. Pingback: The Rules, Revisted | A Simple, Village Undertaker

  15. Pingback: This Should Be Fun | A Simple, Village Undertaker

  16. DAVE BUCKLEY says:

    JUST GOOD STUFF RAY YOU MAY HAVE MISSED YOUR TRUE VOCATION TO THGAT OF
    A COMEDY WRITER. STAY WELL MY FRIEND.
    DAVE BUCKLEY

    Like

  17. Linda Tharp says:

    Reblogged this on Humans Being. and commented:
    In honor of Valentine’s Day and dad’s of daughters, please enjoy!

    Like

  18. Nest Nearly Empty says:

    Reblogged this on Nest Nearly Empty and commented:
    Oh how I laughed out loud! Wonderful, off to buy a nail gun! Lol

    Like

  19. Pingback: They Add Up Quickly | A Simple, Village Undertaker

  20. .hartland. says:

    Fantastic! The heart of a true father. I’m happy for your daughters 🙂

    Like

  21. Pingback: Welcome Back | A Simple, Village Undertaker

  22. Best. Rules. Ever. Thanks for the laugh (which of course is not really a laugh, but a very serious nodding). As a mom of 6 girls, I appreciate your rules enough that I may have a plaque made and installed in our entryway.

    Liked by 1 person

  23. Pingback: Different Methods, Similar Outcomes | A Simple, Village Undertaker

  24. Reblogged this on K.J.Ottinger and commented:
    Ah, the joys of having daughters…

    Like

  25. shelie27 says:

    I didn’t realize you had three daughters. Their pretty girls. Great rules. I love 1 and 4!

    Liked by 1 person

  26. misifusa says:

    This is so funny! What a great Dad you are! I had to immediately go to number 6 before I read the rest of the rules. Great post!

    Liked by 1 person

  27. josiesvoice says:

    In the Philippines, there’s an ancient custom that the prospective suitor has to do 1 month of house chores for the girl’s family to prove his sincere intentions towards her. Allowable contact for the girl to the guy is serving him refreshments while he’s working out the chores. After the month is over, he is now allowed by the girls parents to date her. Reason for such a custom(which no longer exists) is that a man will treat a woman much better ,knowing that he had worked so hard to get her. Also, if he can last through that whole month, it meant that hes really serious in courting the girl.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.